BRINGING UP CHILDREN

Dr. T. Rama Prasad,  www.rama-scribbles.in

MODERN  PARENTS  and  TRENDY  CHILDREN

“We are people,  not programmed devices.”

"Don't  blame  children,

They are the products of their parents."

                  -- Dr. T. Rama Prasad

          There are 3 factors which influence children -- 1. Parents  2. Societal norms  3.  Advertisements.   Parents form the foundation of their lifestyle, good or bad.  Societal norms are seen as identity-relevant or congruent with social self.  Advertisements play a huge part in the orientation of children's mind.

Children start their life with neither prejudice nor expectation.  That makes them good learners.  The unalloyed affections of a child must advantageously be made use of in moulding children’s habits and mindset.  Children, in general, typically imitate and acquire the habits, mindset, manners  and mannerisms of their parents, especially mothers, in their early childhood.  The second half of the childhood is a test for  parents, because they have to mould the children against many odds presented by factors outside the home.  Most of the parents, especially when both the parents are engaged in work outside the home, don't have the valued time to spare for the children, though they have a lot of money to spend lavishly for them.    Good parenting brings up good children which the   grand money alone can't.

If parents follow a bad lifestyle, it is very natural for their children  to emulate them ... if parents are kind and empathetic, the mindset of children sets to help people.  If parents have guns at home, children may become 'trigger-happy'.  If parents pray regularly, children may become spiritually orientated.  If parents  crave for junk food, unhygienic street food and hotel food, their children would develop a taste for them and recognise such items as good foods.  If parents don't exercise regularly, and are addicted to eat in front of  electronic screens, well, their children would become  'Couch Potatoes'.  If children behave badly and live a bad lifestyle, don't blame them -- after all, they are a reflection of their PARENTS and the SOCIETY around, which are addicted to 'modernity' to the detriment of younger generations.  In this respect, India is lucky as most of the Indians live in non-urban areas which are not yet much plagued by 'modernity'.

A teenager of 18 can buy a rifle in the US.  Within the first half of 2022, there were 27 shootings in the US schools, and 212 mass shootings in 144 days of 2022 in the US.  There are 120 firearms per 100 people, and 53 persons die each day by firearms, in the US.  Sociologists say that this is happening because of the bad brought up of people during their childhood, not necessarily and entirely due to the liberal gun laws in the US.  A teenager shot dead 19 kids in a school in the US on May 24, 2022.  See the details in the photo below:

WRONG  EVOLUTION

What is projected below is mostly applicable to many in the affluent stratum of the present society - 21st century.   

      Rapid societal changes, invasive environment, economic uplift, evolution of nuclear families, decreased interaction among family members, hectic pace of life, increased individual egos, hubris, excessive use of electronic gadgets and junk food, excessive information, decreased tolerance, increased materialistic ambitions and the gradual ‘flattening of the world’ with faded red lines, tram lines and cultural values have brought down in a quantum way the protecting walls of India’s family structure that was there before 1970s resulting in a new genre of trendy, programmed, smart, articulate and worldly-wise, yet imbalanced, modern children, and also modern, obsessive and machine-driven parents.  The overarching shield of conservatism, calibrated expectations, measured ambition and social restraint too have gone out of focus. Unbridled activities ensue from unrestricted exposure to media and other sources. And the information thus obtained is often typically limited, false and unduly glamorised.  Many modern children seem to have the tendency to perceive taking love, happiness and wealth from parents as a right, but not giving them back as a duty or gratitude.

PARADIGM  SHIFT

        Children of today are a lot different from those in 1970 and earlier.  In those days if the parents say 'study this course' they used to join that course;  if parents say 'marry this boy' they used to nod their heads.  They didn't have that much individuality or the courage to say 'no'.  Now it's different.     They argue, frown upon and may even shout at the parents.  All the same, the children are more empowered with knowledge,  more assertive and more sensitive.  They may be more sensitive and sensible than their parents ... and may be even more sane.  They want to do what they like.  We have been seeing in newspapers what extreme steps they take even on trivial matters when their wish is not fulfilled.  Some of them have a more mature mind than their parents.  Hence, dear parents, deal with them carefully with understanding.  Correct them when necessary through logic, reasoning and information,  never through coercion, admonition, reprimand  or threats.    They are not just your kids, they are individuals. Respect their individuality and see through the prism of their view.    Be conscious about the paradigm shift that has taken place.       an absentee parent.  You have to constantly and delicately balance between being a helicopter parent and an absentee parent.  

Smartness in kids is a sum of different cognitive abilities, not just IQ.  It spans across multiple areas --  kinetic, musical, spatial, linguistic, logical, mathematical, interpersonal, etc.  Don't forget these and never benchmark children based on the marks they get in examinations.  They are talented, full of ideas and creativity, and socially conscious.  They have more economic sense and a sense of proportion than many adults.  They have more creativity and innovation.  Give a chance for them to decide.  Don't say 'you have to become this'. The Bengaluru-based celebrity author Preeti Shenoy is very happy when her son chose to be a TATTOO ARTIST.  The children teach us how to enjoy the journey of life and shine, and not to worry about rewards.  The sci-fi world of robotics and the Internet is here, and with all the exciting innovations and opportunities the adventure of growing up now is terrific for anyone who has an access.  For most of the bad of the children,  parents are to be blamed for their bad brought up.  Often, it is too late when the parents realise this truth.

MISPLACED  MODERNISM 

        Our snobbish folk vouch for the goodness of anything 'foreign' or 'foreign imitation'-- 'colas' or 'kentuckys' -- and attach a tag of 'status', 'sophistry' and 'prestige' to them, while nutritionists and social scientists condemn.  Adolescent children tend to allow media messages to colour their future and goals.  Hypocrisy seems to be the main stay of civilisation.  The trend is ominous.  These days, children's lives revolve much around a screen, predominantly of their phone and laptop.  This generation closely guards its private space and get enclosed in a cocoon.  The youngsters, thus, create a deep wedge between themselves and their parents, grandparents who are their best well-wishers.  They are buffeted constantly, by digital devices, with information without assimilation and parental guidance,  which has no value.  The information coming from social media platforms like YouTube and Google may not be correct and suitable for consumption.  Children, especially from single-child-nuclear families, remain emotionally unsatiated and socially gullible and vulnerable.  While respecting the need of children  for  their own space, the repercussions of letting them have it are to be feared.

SOCIETAL  INFLUENCE

  Influence of society is paramount. In a permissive society, drinking and dating may be considered as normal. When the parents and the society are on a wrong path, rules and regulations have only a weak influence ... for instance, Central Board of Secondary Education (CBSE) and University Grants Commission (UGC)   issued notifications to schools, colleges and universities to ban sale of junk food on their campuses.  These initiatives may curb the hazardous fashion of consuming junk foods to some extent, but do they tackle the root cause of the problem at home ? The UGC issued the orders in August 2018 in compliance with a directive from the Ministry of Human Resources.

Considering the enormity of the problem of junk food, the Central Government came out in March, 2014 with a proposal to restrict the sale of junk food items such as chips, fries, colas,   energy drinks, cakes, chocolates, noodles, pastas, burgers, somosas, HFSS (High in Fat, Salt & Sugar) items, etc. in and around schools in India.  In a global first, the Baltic country, Lithuania banned on November 1, 2014 selling “energy drinks” to anyone under 18.  Selling the energy drinks to minors attracts a fine of up to 400 litas ($146).  The so-called energy drinks contain taurine and caffeine which could lead to hyperactivity and addiction in children.  In London, 44 per cent of children under the age of 11 were found to be obese.  Display of advertisements of the so-called 'junk' foods (including sugary soft drinks, cheeseburgers, chocolate bars and salted nuts) would be banned on London's buses, tube trains, rail network, and near the premises of bus stops and some train stations from February 2019, according to London Mayor Sadiq Khan. 

            

DIGITAL  DANGERS

In India,  some parents, unwittingly and obsessively introduce all the digital devices to their children at a very young age and make them tech-savvy very early in life,  with the hope that they would fare better in academics and stand a better chance in competitive examinations.       In these days of intense competition, stress starts at LKG and ends only at the graveyard.  Eventually,  some of them, both parents and children, may have to turn to therapy centres.   And parents have little control over children in the changed cultural milieu  of   'Hi, dad ..  Hi, mom ..  You old hat .. " !!!

A  DIFFERENT  WORLD

The childhood is undergoing tumultuous shifts with the present generation being raised on the staple diet of electronic screens and junk food in air-conditioned ‘boxes’ even when cool fresh air is available aplenty around.

Of course, now and then,  one may have a treat and indulge in pleasing the palate and the other senses.  But parents should not set a bad example for their children by excessively indulging in junk food, delectable tarts, sugary treats, street food, packaged drinks, TV, electronic screens, alcohol, etc.    Some children are soaked in junk foods and antibiotics alternately throughout their childhood. Many children, nowadays, are grown on unhealthy junk food, processed and semi-processed foods, and 'health drinks'  which may promote obesity and sickness which in turn makes them take  antibiotics frequently.  And a research study from Pennsylvania has found recently (2015) that children who are given antibiotics frequently become fatty.  For more on this, read under the heading “FOOD,  EXERCISE  and  SLEEP” on this blog ( http://drtramaprasad.blogspot.com/2017/05/22.html ).   

http://drtramaprasad.blogspot.com/2017/05/22.html

PAMPERED  CHILDREN

Some snobbish parents are over-possessive and overprotective of their children and make them self-centred. They disdain others, even other family members, as an inferior rabble and discourage their children mingling  with them.  These children are brought up as sons and daughters of parents, not as grandchildren of grandparents, even though they all live under the same roof.  Exposure to the elders is consciously discouraged and limited,  lest the children may acquire 'non-modern' culture, language and habits ! This contingency does not mostly arise nowadays as most of the modern folk live as nuclear families. The parents pamper children too much with all the embellishments and hyperboles and shower expensive gifts creating a superiority complex in the young minds.  They splurge on things due to affluence and ego. And they don’t correct their impertinent behaviour and bad manners.  It is no wonder that some of such children don’t deflect  their gaze from the TV screen when guests walk in, let alone going to the door to invite them in or to see them off.  This type of brought-up blocks  sociability and establishes a parent dependent trait.  An unduly pampered child grows into an adult who expects pampering by others.  They get disillusioned when people don’t care for them later in life.

CULTURAL  CONFLICT

Many children in very well-to-do families are grown in the culture medium of servants, tuition teachers, coaching centres and electronic screens in air-conditioned spaces, with parents away at work and grandparents in old-age homes. They are more connected to the Internet than to closely related humans. With massive westernization of Indian culture they never play with mud and water in the sun and rain. They are insulated, isolated and ensured of all the comforts of life.  They command the servants with an air of arrogance of affluence and live a luxurious life.  They lose resilience and build callous ego of enormous proportions. Due to this, they may have to struggle with problems later in life, especially as they would have had no experience of  hardships or struggling during childhood. Moreover, their thinking and action may become abnormal due to exposure at a tender age, to scenes of romance, sex, rape, violence, murder and crime, over the electronic screens. A struggle to bridge the gap between 'reel' and 'real' ensues.

            HAZARDOUS  EXPOSURE

    Exposure of children to scenes of violence, crime, romance and sex has become inevitable as the whole family watches them daily on TV and home theatres, and children have their own access to the graphic content, resulting in devastating impact on their psyche from a tender age.  The impact on the development of the mind will affect their behaviour and attitude even later in their life.  Read about the dangers of “digital love” and some other hazards under the headings  “THE INTERNET (GOOGLE)  EFFECT”  and "THE  CHANGING  WORLD"  and  "FOOD, EXERCISE & SLEEP" on this blog.  Some of the “modern” families are “junk food centric” and, naturally, the food culture is just passed on to the next generation. When the first button of the shirt is in a wrong buttonhole it would be wrong all the way down.  Faulty parenting arises out of ignorance, arrogance, affluence, hypocrisy and ego.  If the educated parents are ‘educated’ one can pull oneself up by the bootstraps (an American cliché ).  Needless to say,  the need has arisen to go around hospitals regularly to soak in hazardous medicines.

SMARTPHONE  & VIDEO GAMES  ADDICTION

“When you start handing digital devices, including video games, to young children, you can be sure they are distracted by the movement, the colour and sound coming from the devices that is mesmerising enough that they will override all those natural instincts that children actually have for movement, exploration and social interaction,” said Dr. Hilarie Cash, the founder of the ‘digital de-addiction’ centre by the name “reSTART Life Center” in the US.  A study conducted by State University of New York found that about 20 per cent of the college students are ‘addicts’ or ‘fanatics’ to phones, suffering from personal, social and workplace problems due to a compulsive need for smart phones which ‘fire’ neurones and release dopamine. 

“Our smartphones and video games have turned into a tool that provides short, quick and immediate satisfaction, which is very triggering,” said Isaac Vaghefi of Binghamton University-State University of New York. This process may lead to shorter attention spans,  boredom, depression, social isolation, social anxiety, shyness, impulsivity and low self-esteem.  Females are more prone for the digital addiction.  The treatment for de-addiction may last up to one year.

BEWARE  OF  THE  DANGERS

And, beware of the dangers.  Whatever you post online is permanent.  Someone may dig out the contents at a later date and land you in heaps of trouble.  Youngsters must be very wary of this, particularly when cybercrime is on the increase.   And there seems to be a huge health hazard to the younger generations caused by electronic gadgets and junk food which have become the fad and the flavour of the day.   You may read the scribblings on "TV (and other electronic gadgets) related asthma, eye disorders, obesity, head ache, neck pain, introversion, neurosis and the like" on this website.

BLUE   WHALE   CHALLENGE         August 22, 2017

  Such of these psychologically vulnerable persons, especially the youngsters,  fall an easy prey for 'suicidal games' such as the "Blue Whale Challenge" and end up in tragedies -- 130 deaths in Russia alone.  This psychopathic 'Blue Whale Challenge' game is said to have started in Russia in 2013 on a popular site called 'VKontakte'  and spread across the globe.  On May11, 2017, Russian media reported that Philipp Budeikin pleaded guilty of inciting teenagers to suicide - at least 16 teenage girls.   Depressed and psychologically abnormal persons seek to play the game to end their lives 'with the fun' of the game.

“DIGITAL  LOVE”

            By and large, social networking sites which have become very popular are providing innocuous friendships without the restrictions of physical geography.  But, sometimes they mask the real from the fake.  There are criminals in the cyberspace.  Digital infidelity on social media is noticeable. Umpteen number of people lost money in the game of ‘digital love’.  A 67-year-old Bengaluru-based widow lost Rs. 11 lakh to a man connected through Facebook whom she loved.  A doctor claiming to be practising in the UK cheated a Hyderabad-based lady doctor to the tune of Rs. 48 lakh promising to marry her who got introduced through a matrimonial website.  Issues of communal tensions and violence cropped up following comments or posts on social media.  Like a knife or a gun, the media are not inherently bad,  but personal temperance and restraint are the only protection.

The ‘Ofcom’s Communications Market Report’ indicates that adults favour text messages over phone calls.  Come to think of it, people in future would be talking more with machines than real people

BRAINY  CHILDREN

No doubt, the children, nowadays, are enriched very early with good general knowledge, better IQ, excessive information and immense confidence through electronic gadgets and by tethering themselves to a global network.  But, the ready-made intellectual food available through the boon of technology has made it a bane by stunting the ability of the children to think on their own and to be more creative and innovative.  Survival skills fail to evolve in such a situation.  Mollycoddling and excessive care and pampering by parents has been promoting  “entitlement mentality”  and  “dependent handicap” which may sometimes lead to ‘Freud’ or ‘Prozac’.

OVER-PROTECTION

        Struggles help all of us, that's why a bit of effort goes a long way to develop our strength to face life's difficulties!

As parents, we sometimes go too far trying to help and protect our kids from life's harsh realities and disappointments.

We don't want our kids to struggle like we did.

Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Dan Kindlon says that over-protected children are more likely to struggle in relationships and with challenges.

We're sending our kids the message that they're not capable of helping themselves.

To quote the clinical psychologist, Dr. Wendy 's Moral:  Don't over-protect children.   

"It is Our Job to prepare Our Children for the Road & Not prepare the Road for Our Children."

The Bengaluru-based celebrity author, Preeti Shenoy stated (2023) :  "For me, it is very important that my children are creative.  Fortunately, both have selected (to study abroad) creative professions -- my daughter is a Graphic Designer and my son is a Tattoo Artist. ...  Grades don't determine the entire life. ...  It's important to normalise failure. ... If you fail or rejected, it just means that something better is coming. ...  Incorporate experiential learning in the educational system."

 

                    

    Much of what all is written in this Blog Scribbling may be applicable mostly to the rich-snobbish-modern-urban-elite, not the rural poor.

Continued …

The full text of this article would be posted later.                                                                                                    --- T. Rama Prasad